Sandwich anyone?

Like many women today I am part of the so-called sandwich generation – caught in the middle between the need to look after elderly relatives, my own children and now, increasingly, their children.

So I read with interest this account in the Daily Mail. 

What I felt most, however, was not sympathy for the hard-pressed mum in the middle but surprise that her mother’s carers had on several occasions fed the old dear sandwiches made from mouldy bread.

I have power of attorney for my 93-year-old uncle – the sole survivor of those in my family who lived through the last war. Now housebound following a stroke, heart attack and a long stay in hospital where he caught a series of life-threatening bugs but still, somehow, pulled through, he has carers coming in four times a day.  

They do his washing, change his sheets, see to his catheter, get him up, put him to bed, make sure he takes his medicines, wash him, shave him, make him cups of tea and give him three meals. It costs – but it’s still cheaper than going into a care home which is something he refuses to consider anyway.

I am grateful that I am not expected to perform any of the above tasks but making sure that there is always enough food in the fridge and freezer is a constant worry, especially since I live a one and half hour drive away.

The main problems are caused by use-by or best before dates. The carers have been trained never to use anything that is out of time. Never mind that the tomatoes look, feel and smell fine. Ditto the ham slices. Or the apples. Or the cheese.

If something’s past the best before or use by date, it goes in the bin.

I’ve taken to unwrapping as much as possible so that they are forced to use their eyes, noses and commonsense. But that doesn’t work for everything.

They won’t even use stale bread for toast – let alone for sandwiches. 

And what do you do?

Today actor Tim West  revealed that his wife, Fawlty Towers star Prunella Scales, has 'a sort of mild Alzheimer's'. 

I know this isn’t a fun topic. But I have a little first-hand experience of what living with someone with dementia is like. 

My father-in-law, a clever, perceptive man, developed dementia towards the end of his life. And although we could laugh about his little ways – humming to himself when he couldn’t follow the conversation round the dinner table or asking the same questions in a tone of polite enquiry over and over again – it can’t have been easy for his wife who cared for him day in, day out.

I was recently sent a book written to help families cope with Alzheimer’s or other dementias. It’s full of useful, easy to understand advice and I could have done with it when my father-in-law was still alive. 

It spells out how to  managing the sort of challenging behaviours that may present themselves  - such as agitation and confusion, hiding things or refusing to wash. The advice is often simple but is drawn from decades of caregiving experience by experts. So although I haven't personally tried and tested these techniques, others have. 

Here are a couple of tips concerning meal times:

*Avoid patterned dishes, placemats and tablecloths. Patterns can be confusing as vision worsens or distracting when you need Mum to eat.

*Look to create contrast on the dinner plate. Mum may not be able to see turkey, potaties and cauliflower on a white plate. Consider a coloured plate.

And a couple about delusions:

*Enter her reality. If Mum believes she is a young mother with toddlers, go along with her reality in a non-commital way by discussing how toddlers can be difficult. Redirect Mum to a favourite activity such as naking a cake.

*If Mum says ‘There’s a man outside,’ say ‘He’s just passing by. Let’s go and have some lunch.’

Confidence to Care by Molly Carpenter (Homestead Press) is available through Amazon rrp £7.99.